Between the Drinks and Subtle Things
by mur xo
Summary: Clare's life is falling apart around her. Eli's life has something missing. Can one night fix everything? Clare's drunk and Eli comes to her rescue. EClare fluff, angst and drama!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything. I don't own the the characters, the plot, or Degrassi. If I had a mind as creative as that then I wouldn't be wasting my time writing fanfiction. :)

**Author's Note**: So, this is my _third_ attempt at a Degrassi fanfic. I am thinking of maybe turning this into a multi-chapter story as I have many ideas as to where this story-line can go! If I get positive feedback, I will probably update his and let my muse take me wherever it may. This was written at 1:00 AM so please excuse the roughness around the edges!

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**CHAPTER ONE**

**BETWEEN THE DRINKS AND SUBTLE THINGS**

****_"Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart..."_

"Clare."

Eli looked like a deer caught in the headlights as he whispered her name, staring at his former girlfriend, who was coincidentally frequenting the same party as him. Sure, they had a handful of mutual friends, but this was the absolute last place he had ever thought he would see Clare Edwards. It just wasn't her kind of scene. In fact, it wasn't even really his kind of scene. It was reckless, dangerous and inappropriate for him to be there, never mind her.

Clare didn't seem to notice Eli's existence, or acknowledge the presence of the crowd of strangers surrounding her. Her mind was occupied with many other things, which led her into this part of the city to begin with. She had heard rumors of these kinds of parties, these underground hideouts where teenagers and college students co-mingled and excessively used harmful substances. She needed this. She needed this kind of atmosphere to make her forget about her fractured family, her recent step-brother who was a former almost-lover and her mother's new life which seemed to flow perfectly if Clare herself was left out of the equation.

That was why she had left to go live with that girl, the stranger, the one whom she trusted even though she knew she shouldn't. Clare needed to believe in people again, to believe that there was still good people who helped those in need.

Eli thought about going over to Clare and approaching her head-on, to make a later run-in less awkward. He thought better of it. She probably didn't want anyone to know she was there as much as he didn't want anyone to recognize him. Instead, he walked over to the makeshift bar area and grabbed a beer from one of the coolers. He cracked it open with a deafening "snap" and greedily swallowed the foul tasting liquid.

He needed this scene to feel something again. Sure, he was doing a lot better now that he was in therapy and on medication that seemed to balance his mood swings. Eli just felt like something was missing in his life still. No matter how much medicine they shoved in his direction, or how many professionals he spoke with, Eli felt like there was a black hole in his life, one he couldn't fulfill. It just seemed to be devouring him, consuming his life. His friends, Adam especially, were great. Even Fiona was helping him in ways he doubted she realized. Eli just needed this kind of place to be free, to feel something, to try to fill the void that was plaguing his life.

Clare accepted a red solo cup that was overflowing with a brown liquid. It smelled atrocious, a mixture of alcohol and spice. She brought the cup to her lips and sipped slowly, cautiously, waiting for the fluid to fill her mouth and touch her taste buds. It took a lot of effort to swallow, her gag reflexes working overtime as they tried to deny the liquor's entry into her body. This was Clare's first alcoholic beverage, ever. At sixteen she shouldn't have been drinking, especially to drown out her problems. She couldn't help it though. The immediate urge to drink until every problem in her life was diluted was unbearably overwhelming and too tempting for her to pass up.

Eli nodded in the direction of some people who would say hello as they passed by him. His eyes never left Clare, though. They tracked her every move. He watched as she drank one cup, and then moved on to another. Eli wondered, although briefly, if he was the cause of her pain, if she was drinking tonight because of ultimately something he did. Then he thought better and remembered that she had moved on, that she had her own life and her own boyfriend. The thought alone made him take another chug from his emptying beer can.

Clare was feeling good, a buzz warming her body from the inside out. Her head felt funny, fuzzy, but relaxed. For the first time in a long time she felt at peace, and it was an odd sensation. The worries she held were still there, but they were so dimmed that they seemed entirely unimportant. Her hips swayed to music that was only playing inside of her head and she didn't even blink an eye when a guy replaced her second drink with a third. In fact, she welcomed it, and drank from the cup as soon as it was placed in her hands.

"Hey there, Pretty Girl! What are you doing here all alone?"

A man, who looked a lot older than herself, stepped next to Clare, his pearly teeth flashing menacingly in her direction.

"Oh… Uh… I'm not alone. My friend's just… in the… bathroom?" Clare winced as the last few words came out as more of a question, but was too drunk to catch herself.

"The bathroom, eh? What do you think about joining her in there? The three of us…" The man placed a dirty hand on her shoulder and leaned in to kiss Clare, but she was pulling away, shaking her head.

"Oh, no, I… I can't. My boyfriend's just... he's getting me a drink. He'll be back soon," Clare stuttered, one hand trying to push the intruder away while the other rested against the wall, as she tried to steady herself.

"Well what your little boyfriend doesn't know won't hurt him now, will it?" The man cornered her, his larger frame holding her smaller one hostage against the wall. There was no way for her to escape. Clare panicked, her hands swatting at him in every direction.

"Please… just leave me alone…"

The man just chuckled as he leaned in and sloppily placed his lips on top of hers, crushing them, bruising them with the force.

"You heard her. Leave her alone."

At the sound of a male's voice, the man stopped, turning his attention to Eli, who stood there with narrowed eyes. Eli was prepared to fight. He wouldn't let anyone get away with harming Clare. Instead of being provoked, the man simply shook his head and walked away, unveiling Clare's trembling body.

"E... Eli?" Clare didn't know if the alcohol was playing tricks on her, making her delusional. It wasn't possible for Eli to be here, to be the one saving her from what could have been the worst experience of her life.

"Clare, what are you doing here?" Eli spat harshly, ignoring the fact that her heart was still beating a mile a minute and tears were storming down her cheeks.

"Eli…" Clare said again, softer, her head moving to rest against the wall. She wanted to run as far away from that place as she could. She wanted to get out of there so she never had to see that terrifying man again. She just couldn't get her legs to move. They felt like jelly. Her mouth felt like she had wads of cotton in her cheeks and the room felt like it was spinning faster than any merry-go-round she had ever been on.

"Jesus, Clare. This… This isn't_ you_!" Eli hit his fist against his pant legs and shook his head. "You don't belong here. Get out. Go home."

Clare looked up at the familiar emerald eyes and hurt stabbed at her. He was telling her to get lost. He didn't even want her. Jake didn't want her. Her mother didn't want her. Her family didn't want her. Clare closed her eyes, and against her better judgment, reached for her drink, sitting on the edge of a milk carton box. She drank it quickly, her back turned to Eli, so she wouldn't have to look at another person who didn't need her.

"No. No, no, no!" Eli followed Clare's movements and wrapped his pale hand around the cup, pulling it out of her hands. "You've had more than enough, Clare."

"Eli, no, please…"

"Clare."

Her name was spoken so sternly, Clare stopped, her eyes meeting his. She felt sick to her stomach and her head felt so heavy. All of a sudden she was so tired and she wanted nothing more than to crawl into her bed and sleep for hours.

"Let's get you home."

"I... can't walk."

Eli rolled his eyes and placed his arm around Clare, supporting her, as the two of them made their way to the exit of the building. Once they were in the cooler air, Clare seemed to sober up a bit.

"I really don't feel well."

"You'll be okay. Probably not tomorrow though," Eli scoffed, a smirk rising on his face.

Clare simply nodded her head and allowed herself to be led to Eli's hearse. He opened the door for her and she clumsily climbed in, allowing him to buckle her seatbelt as if she were a toddler. Eli took his seat on the driver's side and started the car, starting the all too familiar journey back to Clare's house.

"Where you goin'?"

"To your house."

"I… I don't live there anymore."

Eli furrowed his eyebrow and glanced at Clare, wondering whether it was the truth or the alcohol that made her say what she did.

"Then… where do you live?"

"I don't know," Clare said softly, her head resting against the window. Her eyes fluttered shut and she was pleased to realize that this gesture made it feel like the world stopped spinning, at least for a second.

"Where should I take you then?"

Eli asked incredulously, but got no response. Clare's breathing had evened out and she was already passed out. Eli had no choice but to take her back to his home. CeCe and Bullfrog were gone camping for the weekend, which would make things slightly more tolerable. Still, seeing Clare, bringing her to his home, just made his heart hurt. He missed Clare, missed talking to her, joking around with her, being there for her. Eli missed her, even as just a friend. What were they now? Acquaintances? Enemies? Eli didn't really know. He just knew that even if she hated him, he would never let anything bad happen to her.

Eli pulled Morty into the driveway and carefully prodded Clare, to wake her up. Getting no response, Eli lifted her up and carried her inside of his house and into his bedroom, gently laying her down on top of his bed. She stirred slightly, and her unfocused eyes searched for his.

"The room's spinning."

Eli left the room for a moment before coming back in and handing Clare a bottle of water. "Drink that. It'll help."

"Do you promise? The room will stop?"

"Just close your eyes and try to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."

Clare took a few gulps of water and tried to put the water down, but Eli gently pushed it back up to her mouth. "Drink all of it. You need to rehydrate."

She obliged and finished the water before laying back down on the bed. "Stay with me… Please?" Clare's voice was so little that Eli wasn't sure he had heard her correctly. It wouldn't be appropriate for him to lay down with Clare. They weren't even really on speaking terms in normal everyday circumstances. He was sure a sober Clare would be appalled at waking up in the morning with her crazy ex-boyfriend next to her.

"I don't think that's such a good idea. I'm going to take the couch."

"Please, E—" Before Clare could finish, she turned over the side of the bed, promptly throwing up on Eli's carpet, as her body rejected the alcohol she had poisoned it with previously.

Eli looked away, before his instinct kicked in and he pat Clare on the back. "Shh, Shh," he heard himself making the comforting sounds as he realized Clare was crying. She was more than crying, actually. Clare was bawling. Eli had never seen her so upset. Her body was shaking with tears and she barely got enough gasps in to get any oxygen.

"Clare, calm down. Please, you're going to make yourself sick again. Shh," Eli's arms wrapped themselves around Clare's shoulders and he rubbed them gently, pulling Clare into an upright position as he began to rock her frame. It was something his mother used to do when he was upset when he was a little boy, and it always calmed him down.

Clare's cries didn't die down any, but her small arms wrapped themselves around Eli and clung tightly, as if she never wanted to let go.

"Take a deep breath. I got you, Clare. You're okay," Eli whispered into her hair, closing his own eyes.

The traumatic experience with the man at the party, her home life, her drunken state, everything had gotten to Clare all at once. She felt like she was suffocating and her cries seemed involuntary. She felt like she had no control over her emotions as the tears kept flowing from her eyes. She did as Eli instructed and took a deep breath, which helped quiet her cries some. Before she knew it Eli was trying to shove another water bottle down her throat, and she sheepishly drank from it.

"Th-thank y-you," she stuttered as she wiped more tears off her cheek with the back of her hand.

"You don't have to thank me Clare. I care about you. I always will."

Clare smiled and sniffled, as Eli pulled back the bed covers and helped her get underneath them.

"Try and rest some, okay?"

"Please… please stay." Clare's eyes filled with tears again and Eli nodded his head to avoid another round of sobs.

"I'll sit here." Eli gestured to a seat next to his bed and he made his way to sit down.

"All night?"

"All night."

For the first time in awhile, Clare felt cared for and needed and most of all, protected. It didn't take long for her to drift into sleep.

As soon as her breathing evened out, Eli felt his own eyes well with tears. He honestly loved this girl with all his heart. Watching her like this killed him. Knowing that she was so close, but so far out of his reach from what they used to have, tore his heart in two. As she slept, Eli bent over her and placed a kiss onto the top of her forehead before kneeling down. One of his hands held onto one of hers and he rested his head on the bed beside her. He fell asleep, pretending that things were back to the way they used to be. He pretended that everything was once again perfect. And for a moment, before he fell into slumber, that blackhole that was plaguing him for months, seemed to have disappeared.

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Reviews from wonderful _readers like you_ would be much appreciated!

Tell me if you hate it, or if you liked it. I'd like to get feedback to know what direction to take this in. :)

xo Mur


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything. I don't own the the characters, the plot, or Degrassi. If I had a mind as creative as that then I wouldn't be wasting my time writing fanfiction. :)

**Author's Note**: Thanks for all the positive and constructive reviews on the first chapter! I appreciated them all and I hope to continue to make you all happy in the future. I am going to try to update this once or twice a week, so please stay tuned! Thanks for all the story alerts/reviews/favorites! You are wonderful. :)

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**CHAPTER TWO**

**COLLATERAL DAMAGE**

****_"All you touch and all you see..."_

"What…"

Clare awoke with a start, her blurred vision placing her in a recognizable but undesirable place. Her hazy gaze frantically searched her surroundings as she regrettably placed the familiarity with her ex-boyfriend's bedroom. Clare had been inside there many times and had become well acquainted with the square feet when she had helped Eli reorganize his life. Her head turned against the pillow, her cheek flushing pink as she realized she was not alone. Eli was sleeping beside her, his head mere inches from hers. She knew where she was and who she was with, but she couldn't, for the life of her, figure out how she got there.

Shifting her body weight as gently as she could, in a valiant effort to avoid unsettling the boy next to her, Clare eased herself into a sitting position. Immediately, she regretted it. As soon as her head was off the pillow a sharp steady pound rang through her entire body. It felt like someone was running her over, numerous times. An involuntary moan escaped Clare's mouth as she brought a hand to her head and squeezed her eyes shut.

The sudden sound caused Eli to stir, his eyes full of early morning confusion. As his eyes began to focus, the events from the night before piled back into his memory and he felt a sharp tug at his heartstrings as he realized this conversation with Clare would probably be anything but great.

"Clare," Eli paused to clear his throat. "How are you feeling?" He pulled himself out of the bed, the bed he had ended up crawling into a few short hours ago, even after he promised himself that doing so would be a bad idea.

"Not very well." Clare's voice was hoarse and rough, she barely recognized it herself. She tried to remember where she was last night, what she was doing before she ended up at Eli's house.

"Let me get you something for your head."

Clare eyed Eli suspiciously, wondering how he knew how badly her head ached. She opened her mouth to say something, to call Eli back in, but before she got a chance to let anything audible slip out of her mouth, Eli was gone. Clare closed her eyes tight, as if the harder she squinted the easier it would be to recall last night's events.

Then it all came back to her. The whole, miserable day flashed before her; the dinner, where Jake brought Jenna over to introduce his new girlfriend to her mother and Glen, the fight, where her mother practically told her she was a lost cause, the phone call, where her father invited her over to meet his new girlfriend and the run, where Clare exited the house as swiftly as possible to a safer haven, where she would coexist with complete strangers.

All those events, piled on top of one another, had become unbearable and had led Clare to the ultimate breaking point. She decided she would go over to the southern part of the city, where people partied all night and she could be anyone she wanted to be. She didn't have to be Clare Edwards, daughter to a divorced couple, ex-girlfriend to her stepbrother, straight-A student. Clare went to that party, which she had learned about through her very own sister years before, to be someone else. She wanted to create a new identity for herself, one she could actually be proud of again. Clare's recollection of what actually occurred at that party was cloudy, but she did know that she had alcohol, something the old _Saint_ Clare would never have dreamt of doing. She wasn't that girl anymore, though. Now, Clare was someone she didn't even recognize.

"Here, take these and drink this. It should help."

Eli unfolded his hand to show Clare two white aspirin. In his other hand was a glass of water, which he had outstretched in her direction. Again, Clare felt a blush creep onto her face, as her hand hit Eli's when she accepted the medication from him. She placed the bitter pills delicately inside of her mouth and swallowed them with a greedy sip of water. She kept drinking until the glass was empty and she placed it on the nightstand next to her.

"Thanks, Eli," Clare said softly, appreciation laced in her voice. She stood up off of the bed and ran her fingers through her disheveled hair, suddenly feeling self-conscious to be seen in such a messy state.

"Don't mention it," Eli replied, feeling the heavy awkwardness fill the room.

"So, uh, how, exactly, did I end up here, anyway?" Clare tried to keep accusation out of her voice, even though she had no idea where her path and Eli's path crossed. Was he stalking her? Was he at the party too? Worse, was he with another girl at that party?

"I saw you at the party and you weren't exactly in the best state. I must say Edwards, I really didn't think those parties were your kind of thing. I guess you are just _full_ of surprises."

Clare couldn't tell if Eli was joking or if he was being bitterly sarcastic. Either way, Clare didn't appreciate him passing judgment. After all, Eli had been at the party too. Judging her for being seen there was like the pot calling the kettle black.

"That doesn't answer my question. How did I end up _here_?" Clare emphasized, her finger accusingly pointed at Eli's bed.

"You were heavily intoxicated and you couldn't leave alone. I was going to drive you home, but after you asked where I was going, you told me you didn't live at your house anymore. Is that true? I mean, where do you live? With your dad?"

Eli couldn't help but ask. He had been curious as to where she resided ever since she told him not to bring her to her old house, the only Edwards residence Eli was aware of.

Clare raised an eyebrow in his direction and crossed her arms over her chest, uncomfortable at the prodding. "I don't think that is really any of your business."

Eli rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Of course not."

Guilt filled Clare. Eli had gone out of his way to take care of her last night and here she was, being short with him.

"I'm sorry," she apologized softly, inhaling deeply. "It's just… It's not something I really want to talk about."

"Fine."

Eli placed his hands in front of him, surrendering. If she didn't feel like responding to his questions, he didn't need to know the answers. After all, it wasn't as if he had any real claim to her anymore. He couldn't just sit there and demand a response. Eli was supposed to act like he wasn't concerned about Clare, about her safety. The truth was, he was a little _too_ concerned for the girl.

"I guess it's a good thing that we ended up at the same party."

Clare finally broke the silence, her attempt at a joke leaving a small forced smile on her lips.

"Guess so," Eli shrugged it off, leaning over his bed to pick up his jacket which he had discarded the night before.

"So, do you want a ride? To wherever it is you need to go?"

Clare nibbled at her lip for a moment, trying to weigh her options. She couldn't very well call Jake because he would undoubtedly go running back to her, _their_, parents, tattling. She couldn't really call Alli, because they weren't exactly friends ever since the incident at the cabin. She couldn't call her mother, or her father, because she didn't want them to know her current location. The only probable option she had right now was Eli, even though it was the least favored possibility.

"Sure. That'd be great, thanks."

Eli nodded his head once and pointed towards the hall. "Did you want to use the bathroom? To freshen up or anything?"

"Yes. I'll be right back."

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Eli sat in his car, the heavy morning traffic clogging the roads, making the trip with Clare even more uncomfortable than necessary. His fingers drummed impatiently against the steering wheel, his eyes intently focused on the lines of cars in front of him. He tried to allow his mind to drift off, to forget where he was and who he was with, because when he thought of Clare being in his car with him, his mind and heart began to insanely race.

"Eli, I'm sorry. You can just drop me off here and I can walk the rest of the way."

"Absolutely not. I'll get you where you need to go, in one piece, thank you very much."

Eli tried to keep his tone sarcastic, laced with humor that he knew Clare could decipher. Waking up next to his ex-girlfriend, the one he still had strong feelings for, had been rough. Eli was afraid that getting close to Clare again, in any way, shape or form, would lead him to another breaking point, one he was positive he wouldn't be able to cope with.

"It's just a few blocks, Eli, I don't mind."

Eli said nothing but jerked the hearse around a car that was moving too slowly for his taste.

"It's the next left. Right there," Clare's finger pointed to a side street that Eli had never really paid much attention to before. He had heard some not so pleasant stories around Degrassi about this part of town and he couldn't say he was exactly pleased that Clare was supposedly residing there.

Eli traveled slowly down the street, taking in all of the houses, wondering which one Clare would point to. There were some that looked so run-down, Eli didn't know if they really qualified as houses. The term shack would have been much more suitable for the majority of them.

"It's that one, down at the end there."

Eli followed Clare's gaze and breathed a silent sigh of relief at the normalcy of the exterior of the house. Unlike its neighbors, the house actually seemed suitable for occupancy. Eli pulled over to the curb and unlocked the doors, turning to Clare and smiling.

"See you around then, Edwards?"

"Right. Thanks again, Eli," Clare stuttered awkwardly, stepping out of the hearse. She hadn't taken two steps onto the sidewalk when she was met with a couple, her new landlords, who were staring at the hearse suspiciously.

Eli was getting ready to pull away and drive home, but as he saw two unfamiliar faces approaching Clare, he stopped.

"Clare, who is _that_?" Eli heard the girl ask, as she nodded accusingly at Eli's vehicle.

"A… uh, an old friend," Clare replied, trying to keep her voice at an even, steady tone.

"He doesn't… he doesn't know you live here, right?" The guy asked frantically, worriedly, as if he had something to hide.

"Well… I guess so, I mean he dropped me off here…"

"Clare, we told you in order to be at peace you need to cleanse yourself from your old life! You can't let an _old friend_ know your current whereabouts!" The girl spoke in a hushed whisper, disapproval written all over her facial features.

"I know, I know. It won't happen again, trust me. It was a freak thing, I promise."

Eli's face scrunched up at Clare's demeanor, at how she let these two strangers boss her around. He didn't know what it was, but Eli got a strange vibe from the couple. Maybe it was the way they were hounding Clare, or disappointingly clucking at him. Maybe it was the fact that they lived in the only nice house in such a run-down neighborhood plagued with crime and illegal activities. Maybe it was the fact that it seemed to Eli as if they had successfully brainwashed Clare. Whatever it was, Eli knew that being in their presence and watching their interaction with Clare made him decidedly uncomfortable.

Clare took off with the boy and the girl, heading up the stairs and into the house. Eli could no longer hear their conversation, but from that point on, he swore he would keep an eye out for his former girlfriend. There was something eerie about those two and Eli was not going to let Clare become anyone's collateral damage.

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Reviews from wonderful _readers like you_ would be much appreciated! Seriously, they keep me motivated!

Tell me if you hate it, or if you liked it. I'd like to get feedback to know what direction to take this in. :)

Also, I am sorry this chapter is kind of short and uneventful. I have a very juicy chapter coming up but it needed this for a backdrop!

Next chapter preview: Clare gets into more trouble, and who is there to save her...? Eli, of course!

xo Mur


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything. I don't own the the characters, the plot, or Degrassi. If I had a mind as creative as that then I wouldn't be wasting my time writing fanfiction. :)

**Author's Notes**: Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate them so much and I am glad you are enjoying it so far! I am going to try to update this once or twice a week, so please stay tuned! Thanks for all the alerts/reviews/favorites! You guys are the absolute best.

A quick note regarding this chapter: It is slightly AU and I wasn't going to have Jake in here at all (for obvious reasons since I'm 100% EClare!) but I changed my mind. This would take place between Not Ready to Make Nice Pt. 1 and Not Ready to Make Nice Pt. 2.

One more final thing! This chapter is for The Cliffhanger Girl, whose review motivated me to get this chapter done as fast as I could. So a **big** thank you to her, for unleashing my muse!

Please read, enjoy and review. :)

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**CHAPTER THREE**

**SUNSHINE IN A BAG**

_"You think it's fictional, mystical, maybe..."_

It had been one week since Clare realized that she was residing with masterminds behind a highly illegal covert operation. Summer and Cash, the two figureheads of the house she was crashing at, grew and sold marijuana, something that Clare found absolutely appalling. Her gut instinct had told her to leave, to get out as fast as she could so there would be no evidence traced back to her if their little business happened to unveil itself. For reasons Clare could not even rationalize, she stayed. Every fiber of her body felt uncomfortable with her current living arrangements. Clare simply tried pretending that everything was normal and that there wasn't a room turned into a weed factory a few short paces away from where she ate her breakfast. It all seemed so surreal that these two seemingly caring individuals were really two of the biggest manipulators she had ever had the displeasure of being acquainted with. The problem was, her other alternative seemed a lot worse.

Clare knew she couldn't go back home. There was no way she could cope with coexisting with her ex-boyfriend turned stepbrother and her mom's perfect family. There was also no way she could deal with staying with her father, who's new girlfriend, whom she had only met on one occasion, was already comfortably molding herself into every aspect of Randall's life. Her choices were so limited that Clare, despite the terrible feeling in her gut, made the decision to stay with Summer and Cash. It wouldn't be easy. Knowing what she did, Clare wouldn't be able to act completely ignorant, although ignoring the situation was a lot more forgiving than recognizing the fact that she was living with criminals. Clare's morals weren't as black and white as they had once been but what the couple was doing tweaked her moral compass in the worst possible way.

Society felt like a foreign culture to her after just one week in the mixed up household. It should have been a trigger, a bold warning, when Summer had requested she get rid of her cell phone the first morning she was there. Clare missed human contact from other people, normal people. As of late it seemed as if Clare's friends list had narrowed quite a bit, but some social interaction, with anyone aside from the people she lived with who disgusted her, would have been wonderful. The last time she had human contact she actually appreciated was when Eli had dropped her off a few nights ago. Clare found herself missing him, missing his words of wisdom. She was sure he would know exactly how to handle a situation such as this. She knew she could never ask for his help, though, she couldn't ask for anyone's help regarding something as heavy as this.

The only reprieve she got from the complete isolation was school, and even then Summer or Cash insisted on driving her and picking her up. Clare had offered to take public transportation or asking one of Degrassi's bus drivers to make an additional stop. They had hurriedly shot the idea down and convinced her to let them take her back and forth, claiming it would be easier for her. Maybe it was, in fact, easier, but being with them all day, every day, was suffocating and becoming too close for comfort.

Today was no different. Clare was sitting in the passenger seat of Summer's van, which looked gaudy and outdated, an embarrassment to be seen in. Summer tried to make small talk, but Clare defiantly refused. She offered a small shake of her head every so often so Summer would stop looking at her, waiting for a reaction. She knew that in order to remain a resident at the house, she had to at least pretend to like Summer and Cash, but that was much easier said than done.

"Is everything alright, Clare?"

Clare heard Summer's sickly sweet, soft-spoken voice ask, as Summer put the van in park in front of the school steps of Degrassi.

"Never better." Sarcasm was gently laced in Clare's response, but she knew Summer didn't know her well enough to catch onto it.

"Well… alright then."

Clare reached for the door handle, her hand clutching at the rusted metal. The doors locked suddenly, and Clare pulled her hand away quickly, as if the action had physically hurt her hand.

"What are you doing?" She asked nervously, looking up at Summer with widened eyes and a faster than average pulse rate.

"Clare, if there's something bothering you, you should talk to me about it."

"I told you I'm fine."

Summer casted Clare a look that told her she didn't believe what Clare was saying.

"Really, I'm _fine_," Clare stressed, looking out the window, watching all the Degrassi students pile inside the building. The bell for first period was going to ring any minute. "Now will you let me go inside before I miss my first class?"

Summer relented, unlocking the doors and waving her hand towards the window. "Go ahead," she spoke harshly, waiting just long enough for Clare to shut the door before putting the van into drive and peeling away, rubber burning in her wake.

Relieved, Clare began walking up the steps, her pulse once again steadying. She didn't know if she was afraid of Summer, per say, but she definitely felt on edge whenever she was in her presence. It was as if Clare had been sucked into this situation and she was already too far in to get herself out. Well, she made her bed and now she had to lay in it.

"New friend?"

The minute she walked through the glass doors of Degrassi she was met with a familiar face. Eli's eyes didn't meet hers. Instead, the emerald orbs stared intently at the van hurrying off in the distance.

"Uh… I guess you could call her that."

"Interesting."

Eli shoved his hands inside of his pockets, shrugging his shoulders and rocking slightly on his feet.

Clare tried to read his face, tried to decipher what Eli meant by that. Did he know who Summer was? Did he know what she did? Clare searched Eli's face for some kind of scrutiny, but found nothing. Either Eli had a very good poker face or he truly had no idea what was going on.

"Why the sudden interest?"

"Just wondering who you're associating with these days, Edwards. No need to build up such a defense."

Before Clare could respond, the bell rang, and she turned to start walking to her English class. "We have class," was her only reply, as she walked at an impressive pace down the hallways, leaving Eli behind, scenarios already running through his head at what Clare's gatekeeper was up to.

* * *

When the last bell rang, Clare briskly made her way to her locker, trying to avoid the crowds that usually formed when school was dismissed. She fumbled with the combination and placed a couple of books back inside, exchanging them for new ones which she would need in order to complete that night's homework. She had just stepped away from her locker, her focus completely on a graded assignment that was just returned to her, when a loud slam of metal immediately caught her attention. Her eyes snapped up and in front of her stood Jake Martin himself. His hand was placed on her now closed locker, his face radiating something Clare could only sense as anger.

"May I help you?"

"I'm not sure Clare. Where've you been for the past _week_?"

"No offense, but I don't see how any of that concerns you."

"No matter what happened between us, we are family now. I care about you, Clare, and I'm worried."

"Yeah, well, don't be."

"Clare!" Jake growled, his fist lightly smacking against the locker, causing the metal to clash loudly.

"How's Jenna, by the way?" She asked, her words most likely stinging herself more than they stung him.

"This isn't about Jenna. This is about you. What's going on?"

Jenna seemed to have miraculously materialized the minute Jake's words left his mouth. Seeing Jake and Clare, she hurried over, giving them both a quick wave. Clare didn't miss the way Jenna's arm snaked around Jake's waist, although to Jenna's credit, she tried to complete this maneuver subtly. Jake gave her a quick, nervous smile, before turning back to face Clare.

"Our conversation isn't done."

"Oh, I think it is."

Apparently pleased that Jake and Clare were finished, Jenna stood on her tiptoes, reaching in to give Jake a kiss, a beaming, radiant smile now painted on her face. Clare watched Jake wrap his arms around Jenna's neck, kissing her back, and jealously swam deep inside of her. Even though she hated to admit it, she did have feelings for Jake at one point and she missed him. Seeing him with _Jenna_, of all people, didn't sit well with her.

"I'm really glad you two found each other. You really do belong together," Clare scoffed, sending a glare in both of their directions, before exiting the school and setting herself down on the steps, to await her ride home.

* * *

Clare's bag was set down beside her carelessly, the top still opened. Most of the buses had already departed and she wondered where Summer was. Surely there was no possible way that she had forgotten about her, after so meticulously memorizing Clare's schedule. Even the parking lot was clearing, only a view scattered vehicles left, probably from teachers who were monitoring detentions.

"No ride today?"

Clare turned her head, looking at Eli, her eyebrow cocked in suspicion.

"What are you following me or something?"

"Of course not."

Eli took it upon himself to plop himself down next to Clare, on the opposite side of her bag.

"So where is your warden anyways?"

"Excuse me…"

Clare didn't like Eli's accusatory tone, how the disapproval seeped through his voice. She knew he was being critical of her, but she also knew that he had no right. Clare's palms started getting sweaty, a sure sign she was getting nervous.

"I know what's going on Clare."

Had she heard him correctly? Clare cleared her throat, her breathing accelerating, while she closed her eyes in an effort to stay calm.

"I don't know what you're talking about…"

Eli turned his body, angling it so he was facing her. His facial features softened at the apprehension he saw all over Clare's face. All he wanted to do was let her know that he understood, that he was still there for her if she needed him. She didn't need to turn to complete strangers to find comfort and solace.

"You're still upset from the divorce. I get it. But you don't have to live with…"

Clare immediately breathed out a sigh of relief, her secret not yet blown. She thought Eli knew about the weed, about what kind of people she was living with, about what kind of person she was becoming. If he wanted to believe she was still devastated over her parent's loss of love, then she wasn't going to correct him.

She reached into her bag and fumbled around, trying to find her lip balm, trying to find ways to stall so she wouldn't have to give Eli any sort of answer that he was obviously searching for. As her fingers wrapped around the small tube, a small plastic object got stuck on her sweater. Curiously, Clare pulled her arm out and gasped at what she saw. There, attached to her arm, was a small baggy filled with what appeared to be marijuana. Clumsily she tried to rip it off of her, trying to shove the offending object back inside of her bag, so no one would see. Eli, however, had watched her closely, and had undoubtedly noticed what was currently attached to Clare's clothing.

"_Clare_!" Eli all but shrieked, reaching over and pulling it, so the weed-filled baggy was in his hands. He shook it in front of her, eyes the size of saucers.

"Will you… Eli, _put that away_!" Clare looked around nervously, paranoid, wondering who put that there and who was trying to frame her. It had to have been Summer or Cash or one of the other runaways residing in the house. Why they picked her to deposit their full grown, purchasable drug in, she did not know.

Eli shoved the baggy into his pocket, his body sliding closer to Clare's. He placed his hand on her shoulder and shook her gently.

"What are you _doing _to yourself?"

Clare knew it looked bad, very bad. First the party, then the strangers, now this, well Clare didn't really blame Eli for jumping to all sorts of conclusions.

"It's not what it looks like."

He was wary, she could tell. Concern wrinkled Eli's face and she could tell he was thinking.

"What is it then?"

"I… I don't have to justify myself to you."

"Clare, if there's something going on with you… Just know I'm here for you. I know we're not really on the best of terms, but you don't have to do _that_ to try and get your mind off things. You can talk to me. I'll listen, I promise."

"Just like you're listening now?" Clare snapped, standing up, hauling her bag with her. She was angry at Eli, angry at Summer and angry at herself. How had she gotten herself into such a volatile, destructive situation? She started walking away, fully prepared to walk to the nearest public transportation system and hopping onto the next bus towards her neighborhood.

"Wait!"

Eli stood up, but Clare didn't slow down or acknowledge Eli's call.

"Where are you going? Do you want a ride?"

Was he kidding? Clare continued to walk, surprised that Eli was not too far behind her. She only stopped when she felt two warm hands gripping her arms, slowing her down, forcing her to turnaround to face him.

"You're worrying me, Clare. Really worrying me."

"You shouldn't be worried about me. I'm a big girl, Eli, I can take care of myself."

Eli heard the words but he didn't believe them.

"Then what were you doing that night when I found you? What are you doing smoking _weed_?"

"I told you, it isn't what it looks like." Clare wanted to explain herself, but she didn't want to give out any more information. The last thing she needed was for Summer and Cash to get on her case for expending too much information about them. The last thing she needed was for Eli to tell someone, like the police, who would take away the only home she now had.

"Clare, _talk_ to me! Remember, like we used to? Just talk. No pressure."

"I can't. I have tons of homework to do tonight."

Eli looked at her like she was insane. How could she be talking about school work when he just found drugs in her possession? Clare was acting much too calm for a situation that warranted a lot more reaction than it was receiving.

"Then let me drive you home. The quicker you get there, the sooner your homework can be done."

"No, thank you."

Clare continued walking and Eli let her go. He wanted to force her into his hearse, force her into talking to him, into telling him what had her in such a state of constant distress. He knew he couldn't, at least not yet. For now, Eli had to continue trying to figure out what Clare had been hiding on his own, until she willingly spoke openly with him about it.

In that moment, Eli made an executive decision. He was going to follow Clare to that house tonight. He had a feeling that the strange girl she was living with was a vital key into figuring out Clare. He had a plan and he was going to see it through. Eli would get the truth, eventually, not for his sake, but for Clare's.

* * *

Reviews from wonderful _readers like you_ would be much appreciated! Seriously, they keep me very motivated which means quicker updates for you!

Tell me if you hate it or if you liked it. :)

Next chapter preview: The police bust! Summer and Cash get caught red-handed and Clare just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

xo Mur


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything. I don't own the the characters, the plot, or Degrassi. If I had a mind as creative as that then I wouldn't be wasting my time writing fanfiction. :)

**Author's Notes**: I am _super_dedicated. I graduated from university this weekend (yay!) and I'm in the process of moving to a different city, so I don't have internet access. I literally posted this from a grocery store cafe. Not kidding. I'm pathetic and have no life, I know! Haha.

Thanks for the reviews! They motivate me to write so much and you guys are awesome! Your feedback is great and I hope that you enjoy where this is going.

On that note, I have no idea where this chapter came from. It's kind of dark, darker than I normally write, but I usually write mostly fluff, so that's not saying too much! I didn't plan for this chapter to go like this originally, but once I started writing it took on a life of its own. I hope you enjoy, regardless!

Please read, enjoy and review. :)

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR**

**THE SOUND OF SILENCE**

"_Hello darkness my old friend…"_

_Terror_.

That was the only thing coursing through Clare's veins as she entered her temporary home. Tables were overturned, glass was smashed and the contents of the home were splattered like rubble on the floor. Her heart beat began to go fast. She could hear it in her own ears, one pound quickly followed by another. The house seemed silent and there were no lights on, just the gleam shining in from the setting sun. The strange orange glow cast shadows all over the place, spooking Clare out more than she already was. Her hand automatically fished into her pocket, trying to reach for a cell phone, _a cell phone that she no longer had_. Clare silently cursed to herself as terror came over her. She was completely alone in this broken-into house, with no means of communication at her hands.

A crash upstairs caused Clare to jump, tears of fright springing to her eyes. A small muffled scream came out of her mouth and, horrified at her body's loud reaction, she placed both her hands over her lips. A slight shiver ran down her back as she heard soft footsteps bouncing around upstairs. Her initial instinct was to run, but she knew that would make too much noise. If the person upstairs was dangerous, she knew she could not outrun them. Slowly, Clare backed herself up, until the cotton of her shirt slid against the wood paneling of the walls. The noises upstairs were getting louder, closer. Clare could hear faint harsh whispers but she couldn't hear what was being said. The voices Clare did not recognize. Clare's hand slowly went towards the golden doorknob, the one that would save her from whatever she walked into. Stupidly, Clare had entered through the back door, the one that had been left opened. But now she was too far into the gut of the house to make it that far without being caught.

"Well, well, well, who do we have here?"

Clare's body froze at the slurred words, her blood going cold as ice. She didn't dare look at the man who spoke, or his companion. Once she looked at them and saw with her own eyes the reality of the situation, Clare knew she could never take it back.

"Just where do you think you're going?"

This time it was a different voice, a younger one, but still a male's. Clare swallowed a lump that was forming in her throat and squeezed her eyes shut tight, determined not to cry. Clare would not give them the satisfaction of seeing her in such distress. Her hand was wrapped tightly around the doorknob, clutching it, teasing herself with freedom. One turn and this would be over. One turn and she could run back to school, run back to Eli and his offer, run back to _safety_.

"Step away from the door," the first man sneered, taking a few steps closer to her. She heard a gun being clicked and without looking, Clare knew that it was pointed towards her.

"Where are your little friends? Are you their sacrificial lamb?"

_Sacrificial lamb_. The irony in that clause was not lost on Clare, even in this miserable situation. Her faith, the one she had clung to her whole life and recently gave up on, snubbed in her face. Clare ran her tongue over her bottom lip, wetting it, still mute.

"Not going to talk, are you?"

Clare heard a few more footsteps and felt cool metal being placed next to her temple. She bit the inside of her cheeks so hard that the metallic taste of blood filled her mouth. All the criminal had to do was pull the trigger and Clare would be dead, gone, erased. Tremors ran through her body and even as she tried to control them, they worsened. Clare tried to think of something happy, tried to put her mind somewhere, anywhere else. Happiness seemed like such an aloof prospect that Clare's mind, although pulling at every corner, drew a blank.

"Hey, hey, drop the gun, cut it out," the other man spoke, his voice distant. Clare heard sounds of rummaging, but the gun stayed in place.

"Not until we get our money. Where's the money?"

Clare had no idea what he was talking about, what money was owed to him or how Summer and Cash knew these people. She felt the gun being jabbed into her skin further and silently said a prayer, making a silent promise to God. If she got out of this alive, in one piece, she would go back home to her family. She would go back to church. She would amend the bridges she had burned and try to bring back the old Clare, the good Clare, the one who deserved better than this.

"The _money_, are you deaf, girl?" Clare felt a chunk of her hair being pulled backwards and she had no choice but to look him in the eyes. His face was tanned and oily and his eyes were black, blacker than nighttime. He was a bigger man than Clare had judged, his footsteps deceiving her. His attire was all black and his hair was pulled into a greasy ponytail. Every part of him frightened her, but she refused to let him see it.

"You better start talking, lady."

Clare shut her eyes and was met with a slap to her face. She winced at the sudden pain, a hand reaching up to touch the spot on her cheek.

"Jesus, what'd you do that for?" The other man asked, walking over to Clare's captor. "Put the gun _away_."

"Once the bitch gives us our money she's free to go. You hear that?" Clare felt a sharp tug once more at her scalp.

"I don't know where your money is."

Clare's voice was even, steady, and she was impressed with herself for pulling it off.

"Oh, you don't do you? So all that _weed_ just _magically _disappeared into thin air?" His voice was gruff and filled with annoyance. "You have ten seconds to tell me where the green is before I shoot you."

Clare bit down hard on her lip to prevent a sob from escaping. She couldn't end up like _this_, in a stranger's house, where no one knew where she was.

"Gary, cut it out." Clare heard the other man, but the fear was too intense that the voices seemed so far away, almost entirely irrelevant. Clare was trying to grasp the fact that she might die there, tonight, alone. Sixteen was too young to be placed in this kind of a life or death situation.

"Ten… Nine… Eight…"

Clare's mind struggled, once again, to focus on something that made her happy. She needed to grip onto anything that would take her out of this situation and place her somewhere else. Her mind was blank, too panicked to focus. The countdown continued in the background, causing a thin film of sweat to break out on Clare's skin.

"Three… Two…O-"

Clare heard commotion, heard the gun being prepared to release a bullet, heard the other man make a noise, and heard the deafening, paralyzing sound of a gun being shot. It was then that her mind wandered to happiness, to someone who made her feel safe, loved and secure. She focused on him, tried to zone in on how she felt when she was around him, until everything else disappeared. The one person that she wanted to see more than anyone else…

"E-Eli?"

The door slammed open, a team of police officers followed by a familiar raven-haired boy who had stealthily snuck in with the sea of cops. Clare had barely heard herself whisper the name, her body too shocked to feel any relief at his presence. Clare was so tired, unbelievably so, but she didn't feel injured. Was it possible the shot hadn't impacted her, or was her body too far in shock to register it?

Clare felt Eli kneel next to her, felt him cradle her body in his arms, rocking her, petting her, hugging her. He kept muttering words of nonsense, telling her everything was going to be alright, telling her things would be fine, but Clare knew that was not true. No matter how the evening turned out, the one thing Clare Edwards knew for certain was that nothing was ever going to be _fine_ again.

"Gary Johnson and Ross Prescott. We've been looking for you for awhile." Clare heard police officers click handcuffs, heard the two being dragged out of the house, but everything was starting to turn black. Her thoughts were becoming hazy.

"Clare, you have to stay awake. C'mon Clare, you have to!" Eli's voice was full of fear and Clare wanted to comfort him, to do as he said, to offer some reassurance, but she couldn't.

She heard sirens off in the distance and heard Eli's cries increase in intensity. She gently squeezed his hand, both for her comfort and for his.

A stray police man walked over to them, dropping down on his knee. "Miss Edwards, stay with us, EMTs are on their way." He glanced at Eli and clapped a hand onto his shoulder. "Thank God you called us, son."

But Eli wasn't thanking God for anything, not yet. He wouldn't utter one praise to the higher being until he knew Clare would be okay. She had to be okay. She was Clare and she was the strongest person he had ever met. Even though he tipped off the police when he realized the house had been eerily quiet and he knew something just wasn't right, it wasn't good enough. He hadn't protected Clare well enough to save her from this.

"Eli…"

At the faint whisper, Eli touched Clare's cheek, his palm soothing her by the mere touch.

"Am I… am I… shot?" Uttering the words was almost impossible, as Clare lingered dangerously on the breach of consciousness and unconsciousness.

"Oh, Clare…" Eli sobbed, kissing her forehead repetitively. "You're going to be fine." Clare felt tears stream down her cheeks, _knowing_ that she was seriously hurt. If she was so hurt, why couldn't she feel anything?

"Eli… "

"Save your strength, Clare," he whispered, his eyes wide, his breath ragged. This situation was all too familiar, except this time the young black haired girl was replaced by an older strawberry blonde one.

"If I say I love you…"

Clare's eyes fluttered shut, opening and closing dangerously. Eli shook her gently as the door to the house was once again popped open and paramedics rushed to the scene. They asked him to clear away, but he wouldn't. Eli would not let go of Clare. This time, he wasn't going to let the one thing he wanted so badly slip out of his grasp. He had been through that once already, with Julia. It was not going to happen again, not on Eli's watch.

"… would you hold it against me? 'Cause I don't know… I don't know if I will…"

Clare's small voice made Eli's heart lift a bit in hope. His own tears fell down on to her sickeningly pale body, her blood staining his clothes as he held her tighter.

"Clare. You. Are. Going. To. Be. Fine." Eli annunciated each word, trying to believe it himself. The paramedics placed her on a stretcher, prying her out of Eli's grasp. Still, Eli clung onto Clare's hand, following her to the ambulance, riding with her. The last thing that Clare heard before her world went completely black was Eli's soft whisper, saying "I love you too."

As Clare's seemingly lifeless body laid before him, Eli felt the black hole, the complete emptiness, begin to swallow his life once again.

* * *

Reviews from wonderful _readers like you_ would be much appreciated! Seriously, they keep me very motivated which means quicker updates for you!

Tell me if you hate it or if you liked it. :)

Your reviews=love and more love=more updates and more updates=more happiness. ;)

xo Mur


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything. I don't own the the characters, the plot, or Degrassi. If I had a mind as creative as that then I wouldn't be wasting my time writing fanfiction. :)

**Author's Notes**: Thanks _so much_ for the reviews! You readers are awesome! Your feedback is very much appreciated. I love your interactions with each chapter. You motivate me to keep on going!

After watching last night's episode, I kind of lost my motivation to write. All of the Eclare moments took all the energy out of me. Seriously guys, I replayed the Frostival Eli/Clare scene _at least_ ten times. I was like ah, aw, oh! I can't even wait until the next season starts. It's already killing me. :( Writing this chapter was like pulling teeth, so I hope that it doesn't come across too forced or drawn out.

Please read, enjoy and review. :)

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE**

**MAYBE I'M TO BLAME**

"_But I put my heart above my head…"_

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Clare heard the soft repetitive sound in the distance, her mind conscious but her eyes closed tight. She tried to assess herself, to figure out where she was and why she was there, but she couldn't. Everything was hazy and no coherent thought ran through her mind. All she could focus on was the incessant beeping, the one noise that remained constant and the one thing she was familiar with.

"Clare… I'm not sure if you can hear me, but if you can, please wake up. Just open your beautiful blue eyes and tell me you're going to be okay…"

Clare heard the voice, barely recognizable in her ears, husky with thick tears. Eli was somewhere nearby, but why? They weren't together anymore. They weren't even friends. They were just two people with a past who avoided each other at all costs. Why was he with her, with the beeping, and why was he crying? She wanted to ask him those questions, but she couldn't. Clare couldn't feel her mouth to open her lips. Everything felt oddly numb, yet comfortable. It was a peaceful sensation, as if she were oblivious to anything outside of her own realm of being.

"Your parents, both of them, haven't left the hospital since you came in here. They're so worried about you. They need you to be strong and pull through this, Clare. You _have_ to."

Again, Eli's voice cracked, wavering on the brink of tears. Clare suspected that a few stray teardrops had made their way down his cheeks, but she couldn't know for sure. She wondered, briefly, where her parents were now, if they were so concerned about her. Why weren't they the ones in the room with her instead of her _ex_-boyfriend, whom she had abandoned months ago, when he was in a similar situation? Confusion swept over Clare once more, as she tried to piece together the impossible puzzle.

"Jake, Alli, Adam, even Jenna, they're all here waiting for you to wake up. So do us all a favor, okay? Stay strong."

Clare felt a sudden wetness drop onto her hand and felt another, stronger hand grabbing hold of her arm. The clutch was firm but desperate and Clare wanted to pull away from the restraint, but she couldn't. Her mind was trying to get her arms to work, to move away, but they wouldn't. They stayed still, limp, laying down on the bedding next to her.

"Eli, why don't you go on home, son. You've been here for the past two days. Go get some rest."

Two days? Clare had been lying there, comatose, for two whole days? What had happened to her? Her father's words reverberated throughout her body, ringing inside her head. More questionable, Eli had been waiting there with her, for two whole days? Why would he do that for her? Clare tried her hardest to break through the fog, to remember what had landed her in the bed to begin with, but she couldn't. Little remnants would prickle through her stream of consciousness, but before she could cling onto them, they would pass, leaving her even more dazed.

"Sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to stay… I want to be here when she wakes up."

Clare's heart pounded against her ribcage at Eli's unconditional kindness. After all, when Eli had been in the hospital, hadn't Clare turned it all right back onto him? Hadn't she been awful to him, telling him he was manipulating her, breaking it off with him when he was in a most fragile state? What kind of human was she and how did her actions warrant any forgiveness from Eli?

"Alright, Helen will go get you something to eat from the cafeteria. You must be hungry."

"No, don't worry about me. I'll go get something."

Clare heard the faint sound of a door being shut and the sound of a chair screeching hard against linoleum. Again, she felt a hand wrap around hers, tighter this time, and felt lips kiss her fingertips.

"Oh Clare… You're going to be fine…"

_Oh Clare… You're going to be fine… Oh Clare…You're going to be fine. Oh Clare…_

The familiar words repeated in Clare's head, pulling at a terrorizing memory. Suddenly she remembered. She remembered being in a house, residing with strangers. She remembered two men holding her hostage, one holding a gun to her head. She remembered Eli holding her. She remembered being shot. Clare wished she could take the memory back and remain in her easy, blissful, painless state. As soon as she remembered the past, an agonizing pain shot through Clare's leg, up into her spine. She felt like she was suffocating, the reality of the situation soaking her up.

Without realizing it, Clare let out a soft scream, her eyes struggling to open. She felt two hands holding her in place, trying to comfort her, trying to calm her down. The beeping on the monitor was accelerating and Clare knew it was due to her increased heart rate.

"Clare!"

Slowly, Clare opened her eyes, her blurred vision focusing on a pair of worried green orbs. Tears cascaded down her cheeks as Eli's arms wrapped themselves around her, squeezing her so tightly, Clare could barely breathe.

"Eli…" Clare pushed him off of her gently, moaning in pain as her hand gripped her leg.

"Are you in pain?"

Clare bit her bottom lip and nodded, her head still clouded.

"I'll go get a doctor."

Eli flew out of the room so quickly; he knocked the chair over in the process. Before he had the chance to return, Clare once again found the overwhelming urge to close her eyes and drift back to unconsciousness. She allowed herself to be pulled back into the darkness. It was easier to cope when your whole body was numbed from the inside out.

* * *

When Clare awoke again it was much later. Outside of the small window was complete darkness, the only light in the room coming from the small sliver of a moon in the night sky. This time, her body didn't hurt so much and she was more aware of her surroundings. An IV was placed in her left arm, drops of liquid pulsating through the tubes every so often. She was in her own hospital room, with no roommate, and everything was eerily white. The familiar sterile smell stung at Clare's nostrils and tickled her throat, as she let out a quiet cough. The noise seemed to awaken the boy next to her, who had been sleeping in the chair, his head leaning lazily against the wall.

"Clare?"

Clare looked at him as he whispered, clearing her own throat. In the other corner of the room, her mother sat in a larger chair, sound asleep.

"Eli…" Clare's voice was unbearably hoarse, her throat aching at the sudden stretch of her unexercised vocal chords. As if reading her mind, Eli reached for the bubblegum pink pitcher of water, pouring her a cup and placing it to her lips, allowing Clare to drink greedy gulps, before placing the cup down on the nightstand.

"What are you doing here?" Clare asked softly, trying to keep her voice low so her mother wouldn't awaken.

"I was so worried about you, Clare."

A faint blush crawled up Clare's neck and filled out her cheeks. She was thankful for the darkness which successfully concealed her embarrassment.

"You were there," Clare stated, her voice unsteady. "How were you there?"

"I followed you after school."

Clare raised an eyebrow at him.

"I knew something wasn't right. I had a terrible feeling in my gut."

"Well… I know it's not nearly enough, but thank you."

Eli nodded his head and shrugged his shoulders, as if his heroic gesture was no big deal. It was and they both knew it. If Eli hadn't been there to call the cops, if he hadn't been so concerned with her, Clare probably would have been left for dead inside of that awful, lonely house. All kinds of emotions meshed together in Clare's stomach. She was scared, because of what happened, but grateful, for Eli's friendship, yet confused, because Eli and her weren't friends, were they?

"So, I have a question for you, Clare. If you're not up for answering it yet I understand."

Clare leaned back, resting her head against the shabby hospital pillow. She nodded at Eli, silently giving her consent for the boy to continue.

"Back at the house, before the paramedics arrived, you told me that you, uh, loved me." Eli shifted uncomfortably in the chair, uncharacteristically stuttering. "Um, w-was that… well… did you mean it?"

Clare's eyes widened immediately and she looked down at her hands, finding it improbable to retain eye contact. Her cheeks once again flushed a brilliant rose and her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth. Of course she still had feelings for Eli. He was her first true love and he always would be. Her mother had always told her, _"You never forget your first love, Clare," _and she knew that was entirely accurate. A piece of Clare would always be drawn to the boy who had captured her heart and made her feel things she didn't know were possible. Unfortunately, Clare knew she couldn't risk spilling the truth. Eli was just stabilizing himself, both mentally and physically. A sudden shift, especially one from the girl who triggered the mental disorder to begin with, would surely lead to Eli's ultimate destruction. No matter her feelings, Clare knew she couldn't do that to the boy. If things didn't work out, there was no way she could watch Eli go through such an ordeal all over again.

"Eli… I was… I was shot. I wasn't thinking properly. I was just saying things under stress."

"So you didn't mean it?"

Eli's voice was soft, filled with an emotion Clare couldn't quite put her finger on. Guilt pooled inside of her, making her feel even worse than she already did. She knew she couldn't answer the question, at least not truthfully, and Clare always found it next to impossible to lie to Eli. Finding the only out in the situation, Clare sat up and grabbed at her leg, a forced soft hiss of mock pain coming out of her mouth.

"What? What's wrong?"

Eli once again stood up, concern washing over him, immediately replacing the forlorn facial features. The gesture only caused Clare more guilt.

"My leg… I think I need more medicine."

"Want me to go get the doctor?" Eli asked nervously, his legs already carrying him towards the door.

"Yes… Please."

"Okay, just try to relax, Clare. I'll be right back."

As the door shut behind Eli's retreating body, Clare let out a sigh of relief, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding in. Once again tears pricked at her eyes. This time, however, it wasn't from the pain or the heaviness of the trauma she had been faced with. This time it was from the overwhelming sensations she got whenever she was around Eli. This time it was because she wanted something she knew she couldn't have.

"Honey? Are you okay?"

Clare looked up at her mother, as the older woman stood up and made her way to her daughter's bedside. She placed a hand on Clare's forehead, gently brushing back the stray hairs that had fallen in Clare's face during her restless slumber. Without a word, Clare shook her head back and forth. No, she was not _okay_. Clare was the furthest thing from _okay_.

Helen sighed sadly and sat down on the bed next to her daughter, pulling her into her arms, much like she had years before when the young woman was just a child. She dropped a kiss onto Clare's mussed curls and rocked her back and forth, a hand moving slowly up and down her daughter's back. It was then that Clare allowed herself to break down, in her mother's arms. Silent sobs racked her tiny body making it hard for her to breathe. Once she started, Clare couldn't stop.

Eli opened the door slowly, about to apologize to Clare for not being able to find any doctor on the floor. He stopped dead in his tracks as he witnessed Helen holding her broken daughter in her arms. Eli felt a tug at his heart and he worked hard to swallow a lump that had been progressively forming in his throat. He wanted so badly to run over to Clare, to hug her too, to promise her that everything would all work out. It wasn't his place and he knew it. Eli realized with remorse that he shouldn't have even stayed at the hospital this long. No matter his feelings towards Clare it was obvious that she didn't reciprocate. Instead of entering the room, Eli backed out as quietly as he could and shut the door behind him, allowing Helen and Clare to have their uninterrupted moment. Maybe Eli and Clare weren't meant to be together after all.

* * *

Reviews from wonderful _readers like you_ would be much appreciated!

Tell me if you hate it or if you like it. :)

I love you silent readers, you alerters and you favoriters. You know who you are! But I would love you even _more_ if you left a quick review. ;)

xo Mur


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything. I don't own the the characters, the plot, or Degrassi. If I had a mind as creative as that then I wouldn't be wasting my time writing fanfiction. :)

**Author's Notes**: Thanks _so much_ for the reviews! You guys are the best. I recently got a twitter, so, if you happen to have one follow me, xomurxo, and I'll follow back. Next season of Degrassi seems so far away. I'm finding it hard to get motivation to write! So please, bear with me. :)

* * *

**CHAPTER SIX**

**TELL ME WHY**

_"I told you I'm not bulletproof... Now you know..."_

Clare had been home for three days now, her body slowly recuperating and building up strength. Her leg would be just fine as long as she attended physical therapy and took the painkillers the doctor's had been quick to prescribe. For now, Clare was sternly told to stay off of the leg, to keep herself in bed and take it as easy as she possibly could. She had been given a pair of crutches before she had been wheeled out of the hospital, to use in absolute emergencies when she had to apply pressure to the harmed limb. Clare had never used crutches in her life and she found them entirely awkward and unbearably uncomfortable. The one time she had to use them they had hindered her more than aided her. It took her three times as long to maneuver from her bed to her bathroom which was disheartening and discouraging for the girl who was praying for a speedy recovery.

Clare's other annoyance was the fact that she could not be left alone for any length of time. It was either her mother, her father, Glen or Jake taking shifts outside of her room, making sure they were only a short call away in case she needed something. The more overbearing they became, the more Clare felt like screaming. Normally their concern and genuine well-wishes for her would make her heart warm, but she couldn't help but feel like they were suffocating her.

Today it was Jake's turn to watch her, while her father went on a well-deserved date with a woman he was becoming friendly with and her mother and Glen went to one of their old friend's wedding reception. The only problem was that Clare decided she was not going to participate in any further forced babysitting. Clare knew Jake had a date with Jenna that evening that he had cancelled to make sure everything would run smoothly at home. It took a ton of persuading and perhaps a tad more manipulation that Clare was comfortable with, but Jake finally agreed to go to a movie with Jenna. He told Clare he would be gone for two hours, max. Then he would be back to check on her, to make sure that nothing terrible had happened in the one hundred and twenty minutes he wasn't breathing down her neck.

"Are you sure about this Clare? I mean, I can totally tell Jenna that we can go see something a different day if you need me."

"For the thousandth time Jake, go! I will be fine. It's just a couple of hours."

"And you have everything you need? Water, pain medication, books, remote?"

"And crackers, videogames, magazines, paper, pen, phone, you thought of everything. Now go!"

Jake smiled at Clare and walked towards the door, placing his hand on the doorknob.

"Want it open or closed?"

"Open's good."

"Okay," Jake replied as he turned to leave. Clare could hear his footsteps descending down the stairs before his voice called out once more. "Last chance, Clare! I can cancel…"

"Jake!"

"Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going."

Clare let out a sigh of relief as she heard the front door shut, a soft echo rattling through the house. Finally, Clare would get some peace and quiet. She reached for her favorite book and opened the pages, perfectly content on being alone for the first time in a week, allowing herself to get lost in a novel.

* * *

Clare hadn't realized she had fallen asleep until she awoke with a start. Beads of sweat were forming on her forehead and her heart was racing a mile a minute. She was unsettled. While her eyes were closed she was brought back to the scene of the shooting, remembering every single gory detail of the event as if it were reoccurring. Her senses went into overdrive and her ears strained to listen to the empty house.

_Creak_.

Clare held her breath at the sound, paranoia washing over her. She tried to be rational, reminding herself that the doors were locked and no one was really out to get her.

_Creak_

At the repetition of the eerie sound ringing through the quiet home, Clare reached for her cell phone. She flicked through the contacts until she found a name she would feel comfortable with calling. Her mind was all set on calling Jake, to ask him to come home because she was frightened out of her mind, but her eyes paused on a different name, one that was closer to the beginning of the alphabet.

Eli.

Without overanalyzing the decision, Clare clicked the call button, her palm sweaty around her phone.

"Hello?"

"Eli!" Clare whispered, afraid that if she made too much noise, something awful would happen to her once again.

"Clare? Is that you?"

"Yeah… Can you…. Could you…"

_Creak_

The strange sound again! Clare's bottom lip quivered at the unwanted noise, Eli's voice once again speaking in her ear.

"What's wrong?"

"Come over! Please, Eli, please!"

Desperation laced thickly through her voice and Clare knew in any other circumstance she would have been morbidly embarrassed by her sincere vulnerability.

"Uh, sure. I'll be right there."

"Thanks. Hurry, okay?"

"Sure."

Clare hung up the phone, rocking her body, closing her eyes, praying for her safety. Was it normal for her to be so jumpy, so needy? Clare thought she was going insane but her immediate need for reassurance of her safety outweighed any psycho-analysis she might have wanted to perform on herself.

* * *

The knock on the door startled Clare, and she panicked, wondering how she was going to answer it. There was no way she would be able to make it down the stairs and she was too paralyzed with fear to attempt to anyways, even if she had been perfectly healthy. A second knock came and Clare went to her phone, dialing Eli's number once again.

"Use my window," she whispered softly into the microphone before Eli even had a chance to speak.

It only took a few moments for Eli to make his way up the terrace and rap his knuckles against the window pane, signaling his presence. He didn't wait for an invitation before he opened up the unlocked window and slid himself inside of the familiar room. His eyes found Clare's wide ones, full of an emotion Eli couldn't quite place his finger on, and he made his way over to the bed, kneeling in front of her.

"Clare…?" He asked with curious concern, not making any effort to touch her, in fear it would set off alarm in the girl.

"Eli…" Clare whispered in her soft voice, barely audible.

"Why are you whispering?" Eli asked, dropping his tone to mimic Clare's.

"Because…" Clare nodded towards the door and Eli stood up, making his way to the hallway.

"Because why?"

"Shh!" Clare scolded nervously, a single finger raised to her lips.

Eli's brow furrowed and he exited the room, despite Clare's soft admonitions to stay put. He searched around, wondering what Clare was acting so strangely about. He found nothing, just the old Edwards house exactly as it always was.

He walked back into Clare's room, noting the distinct terror on her face.

"Clare, I don't get it…?" Eli's voice rose slightly, questioning her peculiar actions.

"I'm… I'm scared," Clare whispered, her eyes filling with terror-born tears.

Understanding dawned on Eli at the admission. Clare had been through a traumatizing event. Of course she was going to be shaken up quite a bit at first. He wanted to murder whoever left her alone and put her in this kind of position in the first place. Eli wanted to be there, to protect Clare from all of this, but he didn't know if he could.

His feet moved him over to Clare's bed on their own accord and he once against dropped down to his knees in front of her. He placed one of his hands against Clare's arm, holding it gently, while his eyes tried to seek out hers. Clare was doing a fine job avoiding his gaze, whether it was involuntary or from embarrassment, Eli did not know. Firmly, Eli took Clare's jaw in his other hand and nudged her face, so that she had no real choice but to meet her blue eyes with his green ones.

"You're safe."

Clare was about to shake her head to protest Eli's statement, but he wouldn't let her.

"Listen to me, Clare. No one is going to hurt you again. There is nothing to be afraid of."

Clare felt foolish. Eli had to talk down to her so condescendingly just so she wouldn't go into a full-fledged panic attack. She was sixteen years old, not six! Repulsion at her need for comfort filled her entire body and she wanted to break free of Eli's hold, but he wouldn't let her. The more she tried to shake his hands off of her, the firmer his hold became. Clare felt so vulnerable, which was really what set her off to begin with. Never had she been placed in a situation where she was more defenseless. She was alone, immobile and her mind was suspicious. The very weight of her own vulnerability caused a shudder to run down her spine.

"No." Clare said, more adamantly this time. She was not safe. Clare feared that she would never be _safe_, in the true sense of the word, ever again.

Clare began to struggle more earnestly now, her hands balling into fists, trying their best to smack Eli every chance they got. Eli's hands circled around her wrists, loosely holding them but allowing Clare to fight. She needed the release, Eli knew it. She needed to let all of the pent up anger out, the anger that he wasn't the cause of, but he would gladly take the brunt of. Because it was Clare and Clare needed him.

Clare was on the brink of hysteria, flying fists in the air and loud sobs erupting from her small frame. Eli could tell she was on the brink of letting go and he allowed her to get the release she craved before tightening his hold on her. His stronger hold made her fists go limp, her body deflating much like a balloon with no more air left. She buried her head in Eli's chest and they stayed like that, wordlessly, for what seemed like forever. Neither of them wanted to move. The comfort that Clare soaked up from Eli's mere presence was overwhelmingly satisfying and the feeling of the girl depending on him, allowing him to be her rock, made Eli's heart beat a bit faster than normal.

"Eli?"

Clare's small voice finally broke the silence. He shifted, his arms still holding onto her, but angled his body so he could look into her eyes.

Eli watched as Clare nibbled on her bottom lip, uncertainty written all over the girl's face.

"Yeah?"

"I… I would really like us to be friends. If you want. I mean, if it's okay with you. I know I haven't been exactly the best friend lately, but I really want to be."

Eli smirked at Clare's slight ramblings and pulled out of her grasp, not missing the sudden look of disappointment that crossed over Clare's face as he broke the physical contact.

"Friends it is," Eli replied, holding out a hand for her to shake.

Clare rolled her eyes slightly and took Eli's extended hand, her face blushing a bit. Her stomach pulled at the word _friends_, knowing she wanted to be so much more than that. Clare knew she couldn't, not now anyway. She barely knew who Eli was anymore, so much had changed. It was like the Eli and Clare they were when they dated no longer existed and instead they were replaced by two different people entirely. She needed to learn how to trust him again.

"Do you think you could stay with me? As, as a friend, I mean, until someone gets home? I just… I just really don't want to be alone right now."

"Anything for you," Eli conceded, smirk still in tact, as Clare's eyes struggled to stay open. The crying and the scare had worn her out and she felt completely exhausted.

"Rest. I'll be here when you wake up."

Clare smiled and closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift off to sleep. It was the first time since the incident where her dreams weren't plagued with terrifying images from the shooting. It was the first time since the incident where she felt safe. It was the first time since the incident where she believed that maybe, just maybe, things would be alright again.

* * *

Reviews from wonderful _readers like you_ would be much appreciated!

Tell me if you hate it or if you like it. :)

I love you silent readers, you alerters and you favoriters. You know who you are! But I would love you even _more_ if you left a quick review. ;)

xo Mur


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